The blank computer page in front of me mocks the scattered nature of my thoughts. Asking me to organize or consolidate my frenetic mind seems like a tall task. Yet, after months of not touching my blog, the invitation to post a little something is all too clear. Rain is pouring down outside my window. My house is fairly clean and organized. The gift of extra time has been awarded to me by a baby who seems overly comfortable in my swollen belly. Writing a blog post seems like the therapeutic and perfect thing to do.
This morning, I had an OB appointment which might rather have been entitled an Attitude-Check appointment. You see, I have dreams about the birth of this little boy squirming around inside. I really want to have this baby with as little medical intervention as possible. I envision a lovely natural start to labor where I can while away the hours doing sweet and domestic activities in my familiar house. I imagine the doula we hired arriving at the right moment, cheering me and my husband on as we prepare to go to the hospital for just those last crazy hours. I determine that my birth story will defy the horror stories that I have heard one too many of. That's my dream.
Then my dream met this morning. I found myself sitting in an exam room with a sheet draped over my lap and the OB telling me what I didn't want to hear: Baby McDonald is just plain comfy and things not too progressed at all (well, it wasn't said in those words, but that was my interpretation). This news at nearly 41 weeks pregnant dealt a disappointing blow to my well-laid plans. As I swallowed my frustration, the OB continued to direct me about the plan to come to the hospital in 4 short days to begin the induction process. It all sounded terribly unromantic to me. I guess baking cookies and doing puzzles during labor isn't a normal part of laboring in a hospital room. What a bummer.
As I trudged out of the clinic, my mood matched by the gray clouds hanging low overhead, I knew just how spoiled my mindset revealed me to be. The OB had offered plenty of encouragement including the fact that the baby seemed to be doing quite well. Nothing in that twenty-minute meeting warranted the foul attitude that slithered into my heart. Yet, there I was, a veritable Eeyore, tromping to my car with an inward pout about how things were unfolding.
I am embarrassed to admit this. Truly. I don't mean to say that my frustration and impatience have no basis to exist. Being 41 weeks pregnant has its real moments of trial. However, when I think about the immense blessings surrounding me right now, even in this situation, I can't believe that my heart focuses on the comparably minuscule annoyances instead. First of all, I am pregnant. That alone is a blessing that I don't deserve. Secondly, I have excellent medical care. The fact that induction is possible reminds me that I live in an age where having a child is not nearly the liability it once was. I am well taken care of and have no room to complain. Thirdly, I have time to write this post. I have space to dwell and think and pray and prepare. Not all moms-to-be get that luxury. Fourthly...
I could write on and on. If I were to enumerate all the ways that I am blessed, this post would be painfully long. Thus, I am reminded that living a joy-filled life has much to do with perspective and a living in the thankfulness that Christians are called to nurture. Sometimes, it is too easy to exchange worry for worry or frustration for frustration in life. There will ALWAYS be things that are not ideal in a given day. There will ALWAYS be ways that I could compare my situation to someone else's and find how my lot in life is dismal. It's just a basic human tendency.
I am old enough to know that I have to choose the proper perspective day after day and that doing so requires surrender. I must surrender daily to Christ and allow the Holy Spirit to shape the thoughts of my heart. Though I'm old enough to know it, I'm not always mature enough to actually do the right choosing. I am thankful that there is grace for my deficiencies, but I want to learn how to live in more victory with my attitude postures.
As the rain continues to pour, my heart feels more calm. I am confident that Christ is refining me. I pray you are finding those refining moments in life too...those ways that Christ is teaching you in your situation to surrender and choose thankfulness. It is amazing how the sun shines through the rain when that happens.
