I can't commit. I can't commit to a blog post, that is. I have started numerous posts recently only to discard them, frustrated with their lack of relevance, excitement, authenticity, or pizazz. Ugh.
Besides my blog, I keep a hand-written journal that is never consistent unless I'm worked up about something. In fact, my personal journals are very telling regarding what motivates me to write. More often than not, I turn to my journal as a therapy when I am upset and my thoughts need somewhere to run instead of in the circular pattern they seem to find in my brain.
Sometimes, I let my thoughts flow unfiltered from my mind to the journal page with little thought as I go as to what I am writing. As I scribble, I think "This will probably make no sense, but who cares? Nobody is reading this anyway." Oftentimes, those passionate outpourings are some of the most powerful sections I pen. The content is nothing but raw human thought. No pretense. No proofreading. No polishing. No need.
When I write on my blog, I am instantly aware that what I "publish" might be viewed by people besides me. I feel the need to craft my words and I fuss over the formation of my thoughts. That frustrates me. If my dad were here, I am sure he would love to compare such a situation to golf. My dad always finds a way to compare life to golf.
According to my dad (and every other golf guru out there), when playing a round of golf, the best way to succeed is to relax into the game and to hold loosely to the outcome. As a junior high girl who went out to play with my dad often, I had to be reminded of this frequently. I would put a death grip on my clubs and swing as though I were fighting for my life. In such a state, I would only end up expending needless energy and runing my game. There were many times I felt angry on the course. I was too intense. I cared too much. I thought that's how the game was to be played. I paid for it every time.
Thanks, dad. Thanks for the advice on golf and life. How can I hold loosely? How can I write without expectations and the desire for perfection ruining my chances for success? How can I do anything well in life when the desire to appear awesome to any onlookers trips me up? Hmmm. That's some good food for thought.
One thing about it, I didn't go into this post with any specific goal. That's probably a good start for now. Who knows? In the name of holding more loosely (for now), I am not going to rework this thing. I don't have time to anyway. My sister's in town and it's time to sign off and get ready for an evening of fun with the relatives. The end.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A Place of Abundance
It's overcast in Omaha today. Though it's still a bit muggy outside, the air is definitely cooler. It's a nice break from the crazy heat we've been experiencing. The rich cup of coffee I'm sipping is keeping me company for the moment since nobody else is yet awake in the house.
Recently, I've been struck by Psalm 66:10-12:
When my heart is raw from the tortures of the valley, will I still have faith? Will I believe that Christ will see me through and that He will guard my path? Will I choose to trust Him in thick darkness when I cannot be sure of the right direction but for His leading? Will I listen for His voice when voices of confusion and lies are whispering around me? Will I believe that He will lead me to abundance? Will I be sure to give Him the glory when He does?
I must. If I believe that God is who He says He is, I have no other option than to trust Him. I must give my heart into His care and must trust that He, in His timing, will lead me to a place of rest and replenishment. I don't need to know when. It is enough to know that.
Isaiah 43:2: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
~Image taken from: http://www.galaxy.bedfordshire.gov.uk/webingres/bedfordshire/vlib/0.information_reference/art_gall_fant_bunyan_vall_sh_d.htm
*Taken from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress out of Part 1, Stage 4. http://acacia.pair.com/Acacia.Vignettes/Valley.Shadow.Death.html
Recently, I've been struck by Psalm 66:10-12:
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.
God tests us. God allows difficulty to overwhelm those whom He loves. How many times have I felt like I've been in prison? How many times have I felt the weight of a burden? How many times have I thought that everyone else is succeeding in life while I am somehow behind, lying limp on the ground like a wounded spectator? How many times has my soul felt burned or my spirit floundered in the flood of life's troubles? Can it all lead to a place of abundance?
Yes. It reminds me of a video of John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress that my brother and I used to watch as kids. It was one of those films that takes a picture book and scans along different depictions of the story while some intriguing voice reads the narrative. I can now see the image of Christian walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, something he had to do in order to reach the Celestial City. The Valley is a dark, dank, dangerous place. It is filled to the brim with every kind of discouragement, confusion, and evil. At every turn, it seems that Christian will plummet off some slippery ledge and lose his way forever. Honestly, the scene in the movie is frightening.
Though the odds seem that he will fail, Christian makes it through to the other side of the valley where morning has dawned and glorious light fills his vision. It is inexplicable that he should have escaped the dangers of the pit except for the supernatural hand of Christ on his life. Filled with relief and joy, Christian sings:
O world of wonders! (I can say no less),
That I should be preserved in that distress
That I have met with here! O blessed be
That hand that from it hath deliver'd me!
Dangers in darkness, devils, hell, and sin
Did compass me, while I this vale was in:
Yea, snares, and pits, and traps, and nets, did lie
My path about, that worthless, silly I
Might have been catch'd, entangled, and cast down;
But since I live, let JESUS wear the crown.*
When my heart is raw from the tortures of the valley, will I still have faith? Will I believe that Christ will see me through and that He will guard my path? Will I choose to trust Him in thick darkness when I cannot be sure of the right direction but for His leading? Will I listen for His voice when voices of confusion and lies are whispering around me? Will I believe that He will lead me to abundance? Will I be sure to give Him the glory when He does?
I must. If I believe that God is who He says He is, I have no other option than to trust Him. I must give my heart into His care and must trust that He, in His timing, will lead me to a place of rest and replenishment. I don't need to know when. It is enough to know that.
Isaiah 43:2: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
~Image taken from: http://www.galaxy.bedfordshire.gov.uk/webingres/bedfordshire/vlib/0.information_reference/art_gall_fant_bunyan_vall_sh_d.htm
*Taken from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress out of Part 1, Stage 4. http://acacia.pair.com/Acacia.Vignettes/Valley.Shadow.Death.html
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Water is a Girl's Best Friend
Weighed down with my laptop bag, my purse, and my swimming bag, I pushed open the front door this morning and stepped into a sauna. Immediately, my sunglasses were shrouded by steamy fog. Yep, it's going to be a hot one. The clock had not yet struck 8 a.m. and yet my summery outfit felt oppressive.
This just in: a text from my cousin sent from her nanny post five miles away. "Welcome to Nebraska!" That's all it says, but I know exactly what she's talking about. Heat, heat, heat! Humidity, humidity, humidity! Where's some Colorado weather when I need it?
Weather aside, I can't complain. I can't really even complain about the weather either since it makes all the fun water activities available to me even more refreshing. I now more fully appreciate the beauty and necessity of lakes and pools. Here I am, just a girl from the West getting a brutal schooling on living the dog days of summer in a humidity trap. I've developed a simple equation for the matter. Heat + Humidity = A Pool or Lake Day. The fact that this equation works in my life right now attests to how fortunate I've been to experience this nannying job this summer.
The older I get, the more amazed I grow at how God orchestrates my life. He knew that I needed to be in Omaha this summer long before I did. There have been many aspects of this situation that have perfectly ministered to me in ways I would have never been able to predict beforehand. The blessings range from simple to profound. Simple blessings include getting the chance to experience a different city for multiple weeks, getting to lounge on a lake or at the pool often, and being able to do more unique and fun activities than I can here name. On a more profound level, I have been blessed by getting to spend in-depth time with my wonderful cousins, getting to pour into and be blessed in return by young girls who are navigating pivotal stages in their lives, and getting to interact with old and new friends.
So, on a vague level, that is the story of my summer thus far. Perhaps I will recount more specific experiences later. Yet, duty calls. I have girls to attend to, heat to escape, and life to fully enjoy! God is good, even in humidity.
This just in: a text from my cousin sent from her nanny post five miles away. "Welcome to Nebraska!" That's all it says, but I know exactly what she's talking about. Heat, heat, heat! Humidity, humidity, humidity! Where's some Colorado weather when I need it?
Weather aside, I can't complain. I can't really even complain about the weather either since it makes all the fun water activities available to me even more refreshing. I now more fully appreciate the beauty and necessity of lakes and pools. Here I am, just a girl from the West getting a brutal schooling on living the dog days of summer in a humidity trap. I've developed a simple equation for the matter. Heat + Humidity = A Pool or Lake Day. The fact that this equation works in my life right now attests to how fortunate I've been to experience this nannying job this summer.
The older I get, the more amazed I grow at how God orchestrates my life. He knew that I needed to be in Omaha this summer long before I did. There have been many aspects of this situation that have perfectly ministered to me in ways I would have never been able to predict beforehand. The blessings range from simple to profound. Simple blessings include getting the chance to experience a different city for multiple weeks, getting to lounge on a lake or at the pool often, and being able to do more unique and fun activities than I can here name. On a more profound level, I have been blessed by getting to spend in-depth time with my wonderful cousins, getting to pour into and be blessed in return by young girls who are navigating pivotal stages in their lives, and getting to interact with old and new friends.
So, on a vague level, that is the story of my summer thus far. Perhaps I will recount more specific experiences later. Yet, duty calls. I have girls to attend to, heat to escape, and life to fully enjoy! God is good, even in humidity.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Reflections in the Rain
I have a feeling this is going to be a different sort of 4th of July. It's a Sunday and it's incredibly rainy here in Omaha. Those two factors alone will change things up a bit. The normal action-packed, outdoor-events sort of holiday will not be the story today. Yet, being able to sit and read and reflect before church is much-needed for me at this moment, so I am by no means complaining.
Over the past week, I've had so many blog ideas filter through my mind. I've sat down to write them out a few different times, but I just haven't had the vision to finish them. Stories from nannying are plentiful as are topic ideas from my observations about life here in Nebraska versus life in Colorado. There is so much about which a person could write.
Yet, this morning as I wake up to the day, all I can do is stare at the rain pattering on the porch outside the sliding glass doors. As I've gazed at the hundreds of rippling circles created by each drop of rain on the wooden slats, I have realized that I can see the porch railing reflected on the porch floor. This is not necessarily a novel discovery, but the sudden, conscious recognition of the mirror effect gives me pause.
On a sunny day, such a reflection isn't possible. The bright rays of the sun wipe away the reflection and the swirling grains of wood are all that the eye can see. No rain means no mirror. How then, would the porch railing ever get to see itself if not for the rain?
Rain is often used as a metaphor for hard times in life. I sometimes question that analogy since rain can be seen as a blessing in the Bible and is a refreshing occurrence for many humans. Even so, I understand the comparison, and it just so happens that this comparison deepens my rumination today.
If it never rained in my life, would I ever be able to see a true reflection of myself? If trouble and sorrow and pain never gripped my heart, would I ever pause to deeply evaluate my standing with the Lord? Would I ever stop to gaze into a mirror of my soul and see what lies in the recesses? I'm not sure.
I don't envision myself as a heartless fool when times are good. At the same time, I know for a fact that I am not as completely contemplative or intensely introspective when life is smooth. Throughout Scripture, we are taught that trials are what develop character. Though we know it, we seldom joyfully embrace the troubles that give us pain.
To be honest, I have experienced a lot of rain in my life recently. At times it's been a drizzle. At times it's been a driving downpour. The sky has been cloudy and the stormy winds chilly. Yet, I am learning to take joy in the chance I have to look into the reflection that the rain is providing. The storm has driven me closer to Christ. The tempest has given me pause. I've had no choice but to stop and wait for the storm to lift in order to see what direction the Lord has for me. Within the waiting, my own reflection has been peering at me through the rain with piercing force.
The reflection I see in the watery mirror is not so attractive. I have caught a glimpse of areas within myself that are faulty, unbecoming, or just plain ugly. It's been hard to face the realities that continually rise to the surface. Yet, I think I would have proceeded to trudge along bearing burdensome dross if the rain had not rolled in and bid me stop. The cry of my heart is that Christ will do surgery and remove all that is sinful and unlovely about me. What a painful process that is and will contine to be! Yet, I know it is needed. It will be needed throughout my life.
So, thanks be to God! Thanks be to Him for trials and sorrows that needle my heart and refine my soul! May the Lord keep me in the path of pain if it will make me more like Christ. May I never cease to see how reflection is often clearest in the rain.
Over the past week, I've had so many blog ideas filter through my mind. I've sat down to write them out a few different times, but I just haven't had the vision to finish them. Stories from nannying are plentiful as are topic ideas from my observations about life here in Nebraska versus life in Colorado. There is so much about which a person could write.
Yet, this morning as I wake up to the day, all I can do is stare at the rain pattering on the porch outside the sliding glass doors. As I've gazed at the hundreds of rippling circles created by each drop of rain on the wooden slats, I have realized that I can see the porch railing reflected on the porch floor. This is not necessarily a novel discovery, but the sudden, conscious recognition of the mirror effect gives me pause.
On a sunny day, such a reflection isn't possible. The bright rays of the sun wipe away the reflection and the swirling grains of wood are all that the eye can see. No rain means no mirror. How then, would the porch railing ever get to see itself if not for the rain?
Rain is often used as a metaphor for hard times in life. I sometimes question that analogy since rain can be seen as a blessing in the Bible and is a refreshing occurrence for many humans. Even so, I understand the comparison, and it just so happens that this comparison deepens my rumination today.
If it never rained in my life, would I ever be able to see a true reflection of myself? If trouble and sorrow and pain never gripped my heart, would I ever pause to deeply evaluate my standing with the Lord? Would I ever stop to gaze into a mirror of my soul and see what lies in the recesses? I'm not sure.
I don't envision myself as a heartless fool when times are good. At the same time, I know for a fact that I am not as completely contemplative or intensely introspective when life is smooth. Throughout Scripture, we are taught that trials are what develop character. Though we know it, we seldom joyfully embrace the troubles that give us pain.
To be honest, I have experienced a lot of rain in my life recently. At times it's been a drizzle. At times it's been a driving downpour. The sky has been cloudy and the stormy winds chilly. Yet, I am learning to take joy in the chance I have to look into the reflection that the rain is providing. The storm has driven me closer to Christ. The tempest has given me pause. I've had no choice but to stop and wait for the storm to lift in order to see what direction the Lord has for me. Within the waiting, my own reflection has been peering at me through the rain with piercing force.
The reflection I see in the watery mirror is not so attractive. I have caught a glimpse of areas within myself that are faulty, unbecoming, or just plain ugly. It's been hard to face the realities that continually rise to the surface. Yet, I think I would have proceeded to trudge along bearing burdensome dross if the rain had not rolled in and bid me stop. The cry of my heart is that Christ will do surgery and remove all that is sinful and unlovely about me. What a painful process that is and will contine to be! Yet, I know it is needed. It will be needed throughout my life.
So, thanks be to God! Thanks be to Him for trials and sorrows that needle my heart and refine my soul! May the Lord keep me in the path of pain if it will make me more like Christ. May I never cease to see how reflection is often clearest in the rain.
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