Dynamic Life

When I was a first-year teacher, I cried.  A lot.  Not necessarily in front of my students.  In fact, I usually was able to bar the tears from falling until my planning period when the tears would explode like a sudden avalanche.  Sometimes I would cry in the privacy of my classroom.  Sometimes I would seek out the comfort of the drama teacher who has been a close friend and mentor of mine ever since.

I would cry about nearly anything that didn't go right.  For anyone who has taught for very long, you know how often things don't go quite right in this profession.  After all, we work with tons of humans, and for middle school teachers, adolescent humans nonetheless.  It's a volatile business, this job, and it takes a tough mind.  I was far too sensitive and far too unaware that most of the students' misbehavior had nothing to do with their thoughts or reactions to me at all.  It was just their unfiltered, immature reactions to whatever was chapping them that day.

It's interesting to me how certain memories are emblazoned in my mind with very specific details.  For example, I can remember the outfit I was wearing when I had one of these breakdowns that first year.  Perhaps I recall the gold, white and black skirt and black blouse I was sporting because one of the assistant principals had found me in my vulnerable state and had to sit with me and chat about what was going on.  I have distinct visions of looking down at my necklace and noticing my clothing because I was ashamed to be so weak.  I'm not sure why, but I remember those articles of clothing and the painful gold shoes I was wearing like it were yesterday.

By the grace of God, I made it through that first year and am now in my fifth year of teaching.  These days, I feel like I am turning into a boot-camp instructor.  I am tough on my students and tough-minded about my approach in the classroom.  Yet, at the same time, I feel that I am more compassionate and more able to see the true needs of students than I used to be.  I am not bragging.  That would be ridiculous.  I have so much yet to learn about this crazy ride called teaching. 

Instead, I am simply gratified by seeing the growth I've undergone in these last few years.  It's similar to the growth I see in students that I teach.  I love watching them come in as kids in 6th grade and mature into teenagers approaching adulthood in 8th grade.  They grow in every way possible---physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.  There is rarely any aspect of their lives that is not affected within those three years.  It is incredible to observe.

As I was walking up the stairs to my apartment tonight, I was contemplating how dynamic life is.  It is ever-changing and is always affording new opportunities.  God has been gracious to me and has loved me through so many stages in my life.  He has bolstered me in rough times and has kept by me in good times.  He has helped me to change from an overwhelmed, naive teacher to the slightly-more-confident teacher I am today.  I feel full of gratitude and of praise to Him for His hand in this and in all areas of my life.  I am thankful for His gift of dynamic life.