Tears

I've been incredibly weepy lately.  Everything makes me want to cry, even if I'm not sad.  The weekend I just spent in Wyoming was no exception. 

I'm not sure what's going on, but it feels like my brain has decided to court my emotions.  Today, while watching Emma with my family, I wanted to cry over the hurt that Emma caused Miss Bates even though I have seen the film multiple times before and was not in the least surprised by the turns in the plot.  Yesterday in church, I sat in the pew tensely for a full ten minutes, ready to flee to the bathroom in the event that the emotional well brewing just under the surface decided to overflow.  The sermon was powerful, but there was nothing overly evocative about it. 

Yesterday afternoon, tears blurred my vision over and over as I sat across the table from a dear elderly friend who had taken me out for dessert and coffee.  As she told stories from her past, goosebumps and tears overwhelmed me.  My feelings were acutely hyper.  I wondered what the other folks in the restaurant were thinking of teary-eyed me. 

The same thing occurred today as I spent precious time with my mom and dad before leaving Wyoming.  I sat at a loss on the couch in our family room as tears flowed and flowed for what seemed like an eternity.  My parents sat there and listened as I tried to ramble about why, their presence creating a balm for my heart. 

And those are not all the incidents of that kind that I could relate.  From this weekend alone. 

The truth is, I am not completely sure why this is or what is happening with me.  It's especially hard to decipher since I don't always feel like I'm crying out of sadness.  It seems instead like I am crying out of intense feeling...feeling for my own hurts, excitements, fears, anticipations...but, more interestingly, feeling for those aspects in the lives of others as well.

Somehow, in some way, the Lord is waking me up to other people in completely new ways.  It's like He's peeling back a new layer of my emotions and asking me to feel on a new level.  It's a bit crazy.  I'm a bit unsure.  It's frighteningly and amazingly new.

This is the raw reality of me right now.  I have unspeakable joy in the midst of the emotion.  I can honestly say that I trust God, even in this unfamiliar territory.  I just pray that, if God is doing surgery on me, that I will truly allow Him to cut what needs to be cut and to reveal what needs to be revealed.  I pray that all the tears, for whatever cause they are being shed, will somehow be useful for God's kingdom.